I Feel Like a Failure
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Am I the only one who feels like the month of October is a drag? There are a lot of things I am looking forward to at the end of the month, but this month has refused to end. Anyway, it has taught me patience. How are you doing today? I hope you had a great weekend. Finally, I got the weekend of my dreams – I stayed in bed all day Saturday, and on Sunday, I attended just the first service and was home before 12 noon. So, I can’t complain that I haven’t slept enough. Before I keep rambling, let’s get into today’s topic – failure.
I was in a conversation with someone a few months ago, and the subject of failure came up. The person was enduring some circumstances in their life and was beating themselves up for the choices they made (or didn’t make) that landed them where they were. Throughout our conversation, I tried to explain to them that what they experienced wasn’t unique, because the enemy was using their circumstance as an opportunity to lie to them. I decided to share (for the 100th time) my experience with failure, hoping that it might bring some encouragement to those who might be struggling as well.
I once lived in a perpetual cycle of debt. Before I got my current job, I was in the freelancing world for about three years. I desired a world where I wouldn’t have to work for anyone or be answerable to anyone. If my client stressed me too much, I did not mind refunding their money, just so I could have my peace. But that lifestyle came with a whole lot of disadvantages, such as being broke, and borrowing money to alleviate the brokeness.
I was never the best when it came to managing finances. I and my brother were given the same opportunities, however, like the prodigal son, I was quick to squander my resources, thus, finding myself in the dire circumstances that I detested. The freelancing world was no easy feat. Towards the end of 2022, I did not have any client, and hence no money. Although my family stepped in because I had undergone a procedure and so they supported me in that season.
But thankfully, when January 2023 came around, a client who had inquired about my services in August 2022, reached out to me and was ready to begin her project. This was the only client I had from January until August, and her bill was a little under 700K. With all my bills and perpetual gbese, it was hard to get by. It was as if whenever money came in (because my dad still supported me with a monthly allowance), I used it to payoff something I had borrowed from someone. I detested what lack of money had turned me into. I believe it to be a better situation if you’ve never had money, than when you’ve had it, and lost it. The thoughts of the “good ole days” are very taunting.
I kept praying to God to bless me with another client, or other opportunities to make money. My insecurities also did not let me breathe in the season I was in. Insecurities such as, disappointing my father after he had paid tuition in USD all those years for an engineering degree that I never used, sprang up from a deep place within my soul. I remember being very smart child growing up, but once I got into boarding school, I believe being in that system tainted my intelligence. Because I went there at such a young age. And without the guidance of those who are genuinely invested in your success, such as your parents, it was recipe for disaster, for me at least. In fact, one of my report cards read, “she sleeps too much.” (haha).
I struggled being in my secondary school at the time. From the abuse suffered under the hands of senior students, to being solely responsible for my educational success at the age of nine, I did not know what good was meant to come out that. It wasn’t until I was in my third year (JS 3), that I told my mother when she came visiting one Sunday that I no longer wanted to remain there. Thankfully she listened. However, that lack of motivation to even study or to try to become something, wasn’t in me per se. So, it affected my performance in school, even up until the university level.
Chemical Engineering was so difficult for me to navigate. There were times when I tried to understand, and I did okay, there were times when I did not put in any effort, and I failed, and there were times when I put my heart to it, and I did well. However, I did not even realize that me not doing well in my first and second year in school, was going to affect my overall GPA, at the time of graduation.
As such I was terrified to come out to my parents with my struggles. Of course, you know how Nigerian parents were with formal education. I couldn’t say to them: I am struggling oh, I don’t think this field is truly for me. Thus, I kept hiding my failures. After college, a different type of struggle emerged. Just when I thought my painful past of differential equations and mass transfer were over, landing a job was a unique type of trouble that I did not know waited for me in front.
When the doors for jobs weren’t opening in the US, many advised for me to come back home, but I refused. I believed no one was going to hire me, I did not understand the engineering thing, and as such did not know what would become of my life. My father on the other hand already had his grand plan for me. Come back home, enter this bootcamp by Total Energies, in partnership with the University of Port Harcourt, and then secure a full-time job with them. One of my cousins got his job that way. I fought it. Partly because I knew that there was a great chance I wouldn’t excel, and partly because I desired to live in the US.
So, I tried to make a life for myself in the US. Still, I couldn’t land any jobs. Even those who acted like there were going to hire me, ended up not hiring me. It got to a point when things became incredibly difficult that I began babysitting, and driving someone’s child to school, just so I could make ends meet. If my family had a clue of how hard I struggled, they would have come to get me. I however, acted as if all was well. And you know what that comes with now - you can’t be asking daddy for money. I felt like a failure, carrying these insecurities with me over the years.
One thing I have come to know is that our struggles, and even insecurities are not novel. The enemy attacks most people, causing them to believe that they are failures, and they are the only ones who have “disgraced” their families. But we have a God, who teaches otherwise. Who irrespective of our failures, and disgraceful behaviors, still beckons to us. In fact, before we went down the path of poor choices, He already knew, and like the father of the prodigal son, He waits to greet you, when you realize how far you have strayed and make the decision to return home.
Just because we are Christians, doesn’t mean we don’t have problems, failures, or insecurities. That is why Christ says come to me all you who labor, and are heavy laden, and I would give you rest. Peter says, cast your cares on him, for he cares for you. We are frail, we make mistakes, we make poor decisions. We sin, we falter, and God knows all these things. That is why He sent Christ to die for us. Christ who is perfect, who can carry all our burdens, yet doesn’t fall because of the weight of them.
While I continued the hustle lifestyle in America, my I-20, which is a document for international students expired, my visa also expired, and I was there for two and half years out of status. This then ultimately led to my deportation. So, that thing which I was running away from in Nigeria, I had to go back and face it. And it wasn’t easy. At 29 years old, that was when I began NYSC, with those in their early 20s, who finished secondary school in 2012, nine years after I had finished.
I had to humble myself and go through that process which I dreaded. Then a friend introduced me to her boss who advised that I should go back to school and start over, if I wanted to break into the oil servicing or oil and gas industry at my age. In my mind I already believed that I was a failure, then the man confirmed it with his words. It shattered me. I ended up going to church after I left the man’s office. The pastor then got on stage and opened the service with, “God does not make failures.” He must have read my mind or seen me cry before arriving at church that Wednesday evening.
So, when those thoughts, which say to us: you are a failure, you will never amount to anything, Christ could never had died for a sinner like you, there is no point in you living, there is no point in you praying, your life is going to end up horribly anyway… We should realize that those are lies from the enemy. And how can we dispel those lies? By fighting back with the word of God.
When the enemy tempted Jesus, he responded with, “it is written.” There is no other weapon for which we can dispel the enemy’s lies, except the word of God. 2 Corinthians 10:3-5 says, “For though we walk in the flesh, we are not waging war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ…”
In 2 Corinthians 4:17-18, the bible reveals that our problems are small and won’t last very long. And so, we should focus on the things we can’t see now, because what we see is temporal. And what we can’t see is eternal. As such, don’t think that because you don’t possess certain skill sets, or because you didn’t land a job in the industry which you were supposed to as soon as you got out of school, that all hope is lost. Or that your mates are way ahead of you, or because you find yourself in a perpetual cycle of debt, that your life is always going to be that way. Well, without Christ, that could be a possibility. But with Christ, there is hope.
I’d be honest – if anyone had told me when the month of August began, that I was going to land a great job, be able to come out of debt, and be independent, I would have said, abeg, stop washing me. All these happened, but not without prayer. Currently at my church, we are doing a series on prayer, and have a week of prayer coming up. I am so excited about this, because I know things began to shift in my life when I dedicated my heart to prayer when August began.
At the beginning of August, something happened which caused me to run to God. I couldn’t turn to my family (even if I knew they would help) but because of shame, I kept it to myself. However, I searched scriptures (as usual) finding similar situations of God coming through for those who cried to Him. And so in my time of prayer, I would say: “God if you could see Hagar in her distress in the wilderness, or the widow who turned to Elisha in desperation because her late husband’s debtors were coming to capture her sons to work to pay their fathers debt, and if you are the same God, then you will also look upon me in my distress.” And that was how everything changed. (I promise, I’d share the story of how I landed my job very soon.)
I just kept trusting God, that the way things are now, is not how they will be forever. And even if things remained that way in my lifetime, the hope of the believer is not cut off, just because death has happened. This life as the Holy scriptures teaches us, is not all that there is, one day we will be reunited with the Father, in a place where lack, debt, brokeness, sickness, violence, sexual immorality, death, and so on will cease to exist.
God has used my life experiences to grow my faith, refine me, discipline me, prune me, teach me contentment, teach me patience, and to trust Him whether I like where I am or not. So, I’d say, be faithful where you are, be content, trust in God, have faith in God, be patient, and don’t burden yourself about tomorrow.
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Thank you so very much Aunty Evi, for this wonderful piece❤️. It does resonate with me ✊