How Sex Impacts Christian Dating
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Sex in dating relationships is often the elephant tucked away in the corner of the room. Especially for Christians, navigating the complexities of sex while dating can be challenging. Questions arise when you meet someone who you are attracted to: What are their expectations around sex? Will they squirm if I say that I only want to have sex in marriage? These uncertainties can become a young Christian woman’s nightmare!
In modern society, there's a prevailing belief that sex is a natural component of love between two individuals, irrespective of marriage. Unfortunately, those who choose to follow God's ways of doing things are sometimes viewed as outcasts. It's a world where what is sinful is celebrated and encouraged, while righteousness is frowned upon. As Christians, we are not immune to sexual desires and urges. Contrary to what the world would love to have you believe, we are not aliens who have appeared on scene in our flying saucers. Rather we are a people who despite feeling these things, have chosen to allow God’s word take precedence in our lives.
How Sex Impacts Relationships
Introducing sex into a dating relationship can obscure one's judgment, hindering rational thinking and leading to compromises in other essential areas of the relationship where vigilance is necessary. What might be obvious to others becomes blurry, akin to a short-sighted individual unable to perceive things clearly from a distance. I will be candid and share my past experiences. I found that engaging in sexual activity with my ex-partners made it harder for me to detach from the relationship, particularly when it turned dysfunctional.
Despite experiencing emotional and sexual abuse, I found myself wanting to stay in the relationship, holding onto the hope that things would improve. I would pray to God, seeking help to change the dynamics and make the relationship better. However, what I failed to recognize was that the change needed to begin with me.
A person can find themselves stuck in a dysfunctional relationship for an extended period due to the involvement of sex, even if the sexual experience is not particularly fulfilling. The strong binding nature of sex makes it challenging to break free from such a relationship. 1 Corinthians 6:16 says, “Or do you not know that he who is joined to a prostitute becomes one body with her? For, as it is written, “The two will become one flesh.”
How sex changes your relationship with your partner
Engaging in sexual activity can indeed alter a relationship dynamic, sometimes leading to changes in behavior from one party. Based on my experiences, I observed that after having sex with most “situationship” partners, the initial excitement and mystery that often accompany new relationships or the early stages of dating diminished. The men I was involved with (on different occasions) reduced their communication efforts particularly in areas unrelated to sex. The frequency of going out on dates also reduced. I found myself initiating conversations, and some of those attempts to get their attention went unnoticed or unanswered.
What I also observed was that I became entitled very quickly after sex became part of the relationships. Once this intimate aspect is involved, there might be an expectation that exclusivity should follow. In some cases, individuals may feel uncomfortable with their partner maintaining platonic relationships with members of the opposite sex, fearing that what they share intimately might be shared with others. This fear of potential infidelity or emotional involvement with others can give rise to feelings of obsession. For Christians, exclusivity should first begin with Christ. When you indulge in sexual sin as a Christian, the message you are passing across is that you have no boundaries. As such, the other party is free to do whatever they want.
How Sex Changes Individuals
When you begin having sex, it exposes you in ways that you never thought imaginable. Most times, women become insecure especially if the relationship hasn’t been defined with the other party. They might begin to question whether they are good enough in bed or if their physical appearance meets their partner's expectations, hoping to be chosen above others. When their hopes are not fulfilled, feelings of emotional pain and rejection can arise, leaving lasting scars that can affect future relationships if not properly addressed and healed. Your self-esteem then loses value because you then begin to view it through the lens of rejection.
I pondered recently why I dealt with so much self-esteem issues, and I was able to trace it back to when I was 19 years old and began my first “situationship.” Sex was introduced after some time, and when he began playing games and moved on to someone else, I became incredibly hurt. I was someone who men always found attractive, who was on the slim side, who people always complimented my smile, but after my experience with him, I recoiled into a shell I never knew existed.
I will tell you the truth; from ages 19-34, I carried this wound with me - always feeling that I wasn’t good enough, pretty enough, or smart enough. It wasn’t until my last relationship ended in December, that I decided to believe what God’s word says about me - about all of us: “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” (Psalm 139:13-14). God created us with so much intentionality that we need not find our self-worth in another human. But when we rebel against his truth, we pierce ourselves with many sorrows.
How sex changes our relationship with God
Premarital sex, also known as fornication, can create a spiritual distance from God. The sense of shame and guilt often inhibits wholehearted prayer and a close relationship with him. However, God always sits with open arms, ready to receive any of us when we falter. But we must also realize that our bodies are temples, valued by God, and he wants us to view our bodies as such. I always like to think of it this way; the world is replete with sacrosanct man-made temples around the world. If you visit some of them in parts of Asia, you are not allowed to speak, or even wear shoes whilst you tour the place.
The keyword here is man-made. These temples are built to house their gods. And the Bible tells us from the beginning, God made us with his own hands, and then reveals to us that God through his Holy Spirit dwells in us. In fact, Christ also dwells in us—if you are a believer, and you understand this concept that the living God lives in you, that is, you are the temple of the Most High God, how much more are you supposed to treat God’s temple with enormous care, compared to the man-made temples around the world that are carefully tended to?
“Do you not know that you are the temple of God and that the Spirit of God dwells in you? If anyone defiles the temple of God, God will destroy him. For the temple of God is holy, which temple you are.”—1 Corinthians 3:16 (NKJV.)
So, as we seek meaningful connections with others, let's remember that God's word must take precedence over our feelings. For those of us who have strayed, his love and forgiveness are ever-present to bring us back to him.
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You touch on a very important aspect of relationships that people shy away from. Thanks for sharing your personal stories, there are so many learning points for readers to take away
Evi, you write really well. Well done