Managing Expectations in Situation(ships)

Happy Monday! I hope you had a wonderful weekend. For those who read my previous post about the significance of belonging to a church community, I trust some of you made it to church yesterday to experience the sense of togetherness. Speaking of which, yesterday, I had a heartwarming experience in my small, cherished Bible study group. We all came together to celebrate a dear friend's birthday, which reinforced the value of being part of a close-knit community.

But let's not veer off into another article on the importance of church community. Today, I'm here to fulfill my promise of making your Mondays better. So, let's dive into a fascinating topic: "situationships" and how to handle your expectations if you find yourself in one. Surprisingly, many people still aren't familiar with the term "situationship," which was coined by Carina Hsieh back in 2017 when dating apps were gaining popularity (as reported in Time Magazine).

Now, what exactly is a “situationship?” It's that peculiar gray area where a potential relationship is on the horizon, but not yet clearly defined. However, both parties involved typically behave as though they are in a committed relationship. They might have met each other's friends and families, merged their lives to some extent, and even introduced sex into the equation.

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In a conversation I once overheard, the topic of "situationships" came up, highlighting how people often get misled by potential romantic partners. These individuals string others along, only to eventually sail off into the sunset with someone else, leaving their former lovers confused and hurt.

During the discussion, various strategies to prevent this recurring issue were suggested. People talked about setting clear boundaries, having the courage to ask the dreaded question, "What are we doing?" or even taking a step back. As I reflected on their conversation, it occurred to me that the root problem wasn't solely a lack of boundaries or the fear of asking direct questions. Rather, it lay in people's struggles to manage their expectations when they start communicating with someone they're interested in.

If anyone has a gold medal in “situationships,” it is me. I was an expert at making assumptions, and jumping to conclusions. And when my heart was shattered, I wondered who created the male species abdicating any responsibilities that came with the territory. I was like the customer who parked their car in a supermarket parking lot that said, “park at your own risk.” And when my car was vandalized, I blamed the supermarket for failing to properly secure it. It was not, however, their responsibility to do so. Rather, it was my choice to leave that supermarket and shop elsewhere if I was uncomfortable with their disclaimer, or to arm myself with insurance so that in the event of an incident the insurance company could take over.

The trouble arises when we misinterpret kindness or some interest as a sure sign of romantic attraction. There's often an unspoken disclaimer that these gestures might not lead to a relationship, so proceed with caution. However, caution is thrown to the wind as many choose to ignore that possibility, by allowing themselves to become emotionally entangled without clear communication.

Women, in particular, tend to build castles in the air, creating elaborate fantasies before the other party has even expressed their intentions. Long before they lose their glass slipper, they run around informing everyone that Prince Charming is right around the corner. This can lead to unnecessary heartache as they place expectations on someone who hasn't made their stance clear. Managing expectations becomes crucial in such scenarios.

When I was being strung along by someone, to everyone else we were just friends (or so I told myself) even though I knew I was infatuated with him. Then there were about 4-5 days when we didn't communicate with each other. He didn't call me and when I did, he didn't answer or return my call. I was devastated. One day, I cried to a friend and she said to me, “I thought you guys were just friends; why are you letting his silence affect you in this way?” I had set unrealistic expectations for someone I wasn't in a relationship with. And when he didn't live up to them, it left me disappointed.

If a man does not make his intentions clear from the start, you are at best acquaintances or friends. Expect nothing more from him. On the other hand, if his constant checking in with you and asking how your day is going is starting to make you feel a certain way (because you might like him too) then have a conversation with him, letting him know that you might be interested.

If he says he just wants to be friends, you've gained the necessary clarity. Keep all fantasies at bay and treat the relationship as such. If he stutters, bites his fingers, and mumbles his words because you caught him off guard; or if he says something like – I like you, but let's see how things go, or let's go with the flow (if people still use that line), then that person is a time waster. Take a step back. His gestures and response lack intentionality.

Too often, women find themselves in situations where the other person is already engaged or married to someone else. Then they start cursing the day they met the man. However, they failed to manage their expectations. They assumed that because he called and texted them every day, occasionally sent them food and data, and bought them gifts on their birthdays, that they were in a committed relationship. But that is not how relationships develop. You must be deliberate in your approach.

Now, speaking from a non-Christian perspective (though this does occur within the church as well) once a person expresses interest, most people begin having sex or engaging in sexual activity. Then, when the match strikes the gasoline and everything goes up in flames, we hear phrases like “men are scum.” Well, there is some truth to that statement; I've met quite a few of them. Yet, if I'm completely honest, I almost always put myself in that position to be trampled.

If a man hasn't said he wants to be with you, or wants to know you because there might be some interest and attraction there, don't run away assuming or placing unrealistic expectations on him when decisive communication is lacking, or providing him with marriage benefits such as sex, when you both haven’t said - I do. Don't put all your eggs in the same basket or even count them before they hatch. Don't go around asking for their opinion on personal matters when they haven't earned it. Don't zero in on him if he hasn't expressed a desire for your laser focus. It only allows your heart to continue bonding with theirs.

Set your boundaries, communicate your feelings before things escalate, and most importantly, manage your expectations. Failure to do so may result in unnecessary disappointments. If, on the other hand, you want to leave everything to chance (because we all have that option), you do so at your own risk.

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Have you ever found yourself in a “situationship?” How did you handle it? Did it eventually lead to what you desired? I’d like to hear back from you. Kindly respond to this email, or leave your comments below. Please remember to like and share this post so this publication can grow and reach more people. We are now at 97 subscribers, three more to reach my 100 subscribers goal for this month.

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Why I Think My Relationship Ended