5 Types of Men to Avoid When Dating
Happy Monday! I have a fun one for you that will definitely brighten your day. By now, the usual Monday apprehension should be a thing of the past. There are many people who dream, wish, and pray that they had jobs - the types of jobs that you have. Along my career journey while navigating the ups and downs of paid employment, freelancing, and brokeness, I have finally arrived at the conclusion that steady income (no matter how little) is one of the key elements to surviving in this world and it also affects how people (especially non-believers) view us. Proverbs 13:11 says, “wealth gained hastily will dwindle, but whoever gathers little by little will increase it.”
1 Thessalonians 4:10-12 says, “…But we urge you, brothers, to do this more and more, and to aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you, so that you may walk properly before outsiders and be dependent on no one.”
Why all this financial talk this morning? Over the weekend, I participated in a financial workshop at my church. When they initially started promoting the event, I stuck my nose in the air, or did “yimu,” as we would call it, as I typically find discussions about finances to be quite tedious. These talks tend to lack engagement and often offer a superficial encouragement, making you believe you can achieve the same level as the speakers, even though, in reality, it feels unattainable. At least, that's what I thought.
However the one we had in church which was themed around thriving during times of uncertainties, was something completely different from what I had experienced in the past. Or maybe I have just matured a little, or maybe its the almighty “SAPA” that hit me, which enabled me to keep an open mind. And what better place to learn about finances if not from the word of God?
As you've probably picked up from the style of my newsletters, today's conversation isn't centered around finance (as the title indicates). I enjoy providing brief summaries to offer you a glimpse into other facets of my life. Speaking of which, how was your weekend? I hope it was amazing! (you can let me know in the comments below.)
Now, let's seamlessly transition into today's topic, which is both light-hearted and yet important. On Friday, I took the opportunity to delve extensively into a few regrets I encountered during my time in the dating world, and I shared insights into what I wished I could have approached differently. Today, I am drawing once more from those past experiences to show you the types of men to avoid in this dating streets as a young Christian woman.
1) The one whose stories don’t add up, aka - Mr. Liar: Frequently, when men come approach women, they tend to shower them with statements they believe will be pleasing. They often present a façade that doesn't align with their genuine nature. However, if women can sift through the initial charm and carefully listen to the words spoken by these men, then they can successfully separate the chaff from the wheat.
I am reminded of the time when I began dating a guy. Although our relationship was undefined, we knew that we liked each other. But the more we spoke, the more I noticed that some of his stories did not add up. He once mentioned to me that he was in a relationship with a Nigerian girl who was a Muslim, while he was still in Nigeria.
He said, “I almost married her; if not that her family insisted that she married someone who was also a Muslim.” Fast forward to a couple of months down the road while we were in a different conversation, I asked him if he had ever been in a relationship with an oyinbo woman, since he was now living abroad. He said, “Yes, she was a Muslim, and it was the first time I dated a Muslim. I did not even know I could date someone outside my religion.”
In my mind, I thought— didn’t this guy tell me that he almost married a Muslim in Nigeria before he moved abroad? And here he was telling me about his inter-religious relationship with a Caucasian woman, which ended not so long before we connected. Guess what? That wasn’t the only time his stories had plot holes.
Hence, his behavior showed me that he wasn’t someone who could be trusted. If you listen to what the other person is saying, putting aside all the sweet nothings that they whisper to your ears, you will quickly discover if an individual is insincere or authentic.
2) The one who appears, disappears, and reappears, and disappears again - aka, Mr. Ghost: Who else has experienced the phenomenon that is ghosting? I can write a thesis on this topic. So, let me break it down for those who might be unfamiliar with this trend in dating. Man meets woman, man acts like he is interested in woman, man exchanges contact with woman, and man begins pursuing woman. After a few days, poof! Man disappears into thin air. As such, a million and one thoughts begin traveling through woman’s mind: “did I say something wrong?” She asks herself, “am I supposed to reach out?” She continues questioning, “maybe he is busy.” She concludes. Or if you are extreme like me (sometimes) your might think something horrible has happened to him, and begin panicking. Somebody you did not know from Adam (isn’t that crase?).
However, if you are the bold type and decide to reach out to man, you will quickly discover that man has no reasonable explanation for his sudden disappearance (and that he is not fighting for his life at one hospital). And you not wanting to take his subtle “no,” for an answer, will begin initiating conversations with him. Yet, man again, proves his disinterest once more, by leaving most of your messages unattended. And so the start of the not-so relationship fades to the background. Then you call all your friends who you previously informed that Prince Charming had finally appeared, to tell them what a waste of time man is.
Did I jug some of your memories? Or did I simply call out what some of you are currently experiencing? The solution is simple - let man go. Let all the fantasies you have in your head about man disappear like him. Such instability communicates a lack of interest and devotion. You want a man who will be committed to you and your relationship. And if he is already showing you these signs from the start, its best to thank God that he did not waste time to manifest his true colors, and use that as your cue to keep all ideas of a romantic relationship and (or) even marriage (with this person) away from you.
3) The one who doesn’t take God seriously - aka, Mr. Lukewarm: These types of men are the ones who attend church, yet, there is no real transformation happening in their lives. They are the ones who uphold one aspect of the Bible—love your neighbors, help the poor, be kind to others. But when it comes to the physical, like sex and its derivatives, then Wahala dey oh! And if you keep entertaining them, they can cause you to begin to compromise on your commitment to Christ.
More often than not, they resist the idea of abstaining from physical intimacy for a temporary span, thus leading you into a cycle of sinful behavior. While you might initially experience guilt, over time, you become desensitized to the inner convictions of God's Holy Spirit. Thus, it's far wiser to be with an individual who by the help of God, seeks to uphold the entirety of the Bible's teachings. Someone who can even assertively decline your advances when your desires are frail. This approach eases the path to maintaining obedience to God throughout the dating or courtship phase, ultimately bringing reverence and praise to Him.
4) The one who compliments your body in a sexually explicit way - aka, Mr. sexually immoral: The difference between Mr. Sexually Immoral and Mr. Lukewarm, is that Mr. Sexually Immoral leads with sexualization. While further entertaining Mr. Lukewarm might end in sex. You already know what Mr. Sexually Immoral wants from you from the start, and it will be foolish of you to keep engaging with him if you are a Christian.
Back to the young man I spoke about whose stories never added up. He would compliment me sexually, and utter things that he would like to do with me when we hang out. What saved me from exploring my foolishness further was the fact that we weren’t in the same country—the physical boundary helped me not to fall into that type of sexual sin. Now, I know better and wouldn’t entertain such conversations. If a man is coming at you this way, go the other way.
5) The one who doesn’t believe in God - aka, Mr. Atheist: There was a time when I later discovered that a man I was involved with was an atheist. In fact, it happened on two separate occasions. Both men had both lied to me that they were Christians from the start. One of them later revealed that he, in fact, hated God. It’s wiser to runaway from such men especially if you are a Christ-follower.
Such men, even if they appear to be smart and possess all the things they use to charm women, they tend to pull the believer away from God. Because of the level of intimacy that comes with romantic relationships, if care is not taken, they'll make you begin to question your relationship with God.
In Deuteronomy chapter seven, Moses was addressing God’s people, laying down some ground rules as to how they should live their lives in the new land God was giving them. In verse three, he warned them not to marry unbelievers. He said, “You shall not intermarry with them, giving your daughters to their sons or taking their daughters for your sons, for they would turn away your sons from following me, to serve other gods.”
I think this is self-explanatory. God is jealous for the believer. He paid such a high price for us that he doesn’t want our hearts to lust after other gods, who truly cannot satisfy. Yes, I know that man who is “eyeing” you is tall, fair, and handsome. I know he has a great job with benefits and can potentially change your life. However, there is one who already proved himself by dying on the cross. He is the one that should matter more.
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Men of this nature should be steered clear of when considering romantic relationships. If not, it will end in tears as we love to say. So, if you don’t want to cry many tears (as I once did in the past), then ensure that you shine your eyes, and open your ears - giving undivided attention to what a potential partner is saying and (or) doing. The dating phase of a relationship should be dedicated to unraveling the authentic identity of an individual, which significantly informs your decision-making process.
So, over to you. Have you experienced such men or are currently experiencing some of them? I’d like to hear your stories. Kindly reply this email or leave your comments below. Please, share this piece with others - there is love in sharing (don’t hoard this for yourself alone). And to the men on this newsletter, I am sorry that I am primarily addressing women today. But feel free to join in on the conversation and proffer more truthful advise for us in the comments below.
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I have experienced 2 types of these men before, but I am happy to say I am bolder in choosing who I want and rejecting those who don't fit into my standards, one of the biggest lessons I learned from my past relationships is; not everyone is for me and that doesn't make me less, it just means I know who I am and what I stand for.