10 Regrets From My Past Relationships
And how to avoid them
Happy Friday! How is your Friday morning going? I must confess that I am sleepy writing this. I was reluctant to get out of bed this morning, but the hustle must go on (haha). I want to first extend a heartfelt appreciation to all those who responded to my previous article - "I Finally Came Clean with My Father." Sharing your experiences with me only shows that most of our life journeys are more similar than unique. So, thank you. I’d love to continue reading from you, as you read from me. Please don’t stop commenting or sending in your replies.
Today’s article is about the mistakes I made in my past relationships and the lessons I have learned from them. You cannot continue going through life and keep making the same mistakes. If that is the case, you’d need to sit with yourself and ask why you keep finding yourself in the same type of circumstances. I had one of those moments when a relationship ended terribly in 2014. In fact, that marked the beginning of my journey to Christ.
Most of you might be wondering - Was it that bad? Well, since its the weekend, be sure to read my short story series titled: twists and thorns, and this article titled: I Saw my Ex’s Wedding Photos on Instagram for full context. My past experiences have shaped how I view myself and relationships. I know a lot of young women follow me on Instagram, and on this newsletter. And as such, it is my hope to stir them away from the destructive path I once travelled.
So, let’s delve right into the mistakes (or regrets) and the lessons learned from my previous relationships:
I did not pay attention to what made me uneasy: God has equipped us with intuition. However, I always pushed mine to the back burner because I desperately wanted to be in a relationship. Believe a person when they tell/show you who they are. Someone told me early on that he could be controlling, and he also revealed how he had broken up with his ex by telling her to get out of his house.
That which he revealed to me, along with other factors played out in my relationship with him. When Maya Angelou said, "when people show you who they are, believe them," I don't think she was out of her mind. She didn't say believe the best in them; she simply said believe them. When it comes to romantic relationships, believing for the "best" in people can be deceptive. People stay in abusive situations for much longer than they should, because they believe their abuser will have an epiphany and turn a new leaf (that almost never happens).
I was led by my flesh and not by the Spirit of God: The Bible is God's way of teaching and demonstrating how we should live our lives as Christians. But we tend to ignore this and believe that everything will work out in the end. Most of the time in my relationships, this was me. All I knew to be true about God's word went out the window the moment a man approached me. When it came to relationships, I was frequently led by my flesh. It made no difference whether the person believed in God or not. If they wanted me and I was attracted to them, I wanted them back - “he'll change,” I told myself all the time.
If you are a Christian, it is critical to be led by the Holy Spirit - God will never lead you astray. If something doesn't feel right about the person who is interested in you, it's because something isn't right. Pay attention; even if everything appears to be in order, God may be trying to warn you about something that could be harmful. God desires that you be in a relationship that honors him. If he is alerting you, you should leave the situation.
I did not pay close attention to the red flags: Red flags frequently appear early in dating. The signs are obvious; we're just too preoccupied to acknowledge them. At the very least, I know I was. One guy I used to talk to a few years ago claimed to be a Christian, but whenever he mentioned God, it was as if he had a problem with him. Nonetheless, I persisted because we had interesting conversations.
I could talk to him on the phone for hours - in fact, 1-2-hour conversations were very short for us. He'd fill my ears with sweet nothings, and my heart would skip beats in response. The way he talked about God, on the other hand, bothered me. Then one day he declared, "I hate God." I was taken aback. "Are you an atheist?" I inquired. "Yes," he replied. I struggled for a while before I let him go.
Red flags are there for a reason. They reveal a person's true heart and intentions. If you see a red flag, don't try to explain, or rationalize it away. Take it for what it is: that man (or woman) is not a Christian, that person is controlling, and that person is stingy; and you are not delusional, insane, or irrational.
I did not establish and stick to boundaries early on: As a Christian who was dating, I had no boundaries. Men could easily spend the night at my house, and vice versa. Even though I deceived myself each time, saying "nothing will happen," because I neither set nor respected boundaries, I always did what I said I wouldn't do. I easily gave myself to men, and as a result, it cheapened me.
Boundaries exist to protect you and your relationship's integrity. Set boundaries that will honor God. Communicate those boundaries as soon as possible to ensure that you and your partner are on the same page. It may not be the best idea to stay with someone who is attempting to push the boundaries. Sometimes you may be the one pushing the boundaries (I have been there many times). In such cases, if you and your partner truly want to honor Christ with your relationship, it is best to seek accountability from someone who is full of God's wisdom and can guide you through the relationship in a way that honors Christ.
I desecrated God’s temple: The Bible teaches that we were bought with a price, and that price is Jesus' precious blood. As a result, we must honor him with our bodies. Most of the time, we delude ourselves into thinking that if we aren't "going all the way," we are still honoring God.
But according to Matthew 5:28, Jesus holds a completely different view point. He points out that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. How much more touching, groping, and stealing away things that should be sacred? There were times when I felt bad for "not going all the way," and I would ask God for forgiveness afterward; however, when another opportunity presented itself, I seized it.
God has called us to a higher standard of living apart from the world. This is because he paid a high price for us; therefore, honor God with your body. If your right hand is causing you to sin, it is better to cut it off than to stay in a relationship that dishonors Christ. (I speak more about this in the article titled: How Sex impacts Christian Dating).
I compromised, a lot: If that man isn't displaying any signs of being a true Christian, or at the very least of being interested in growing in his walk with God, it's best not to entertain him. I'm not saying we all should or will be perfect at the time of marriage, but compromising on your fundamental Christian beliefs may not lead you down the path of honoring God - in fact, it may destroy you if care isn't taken. If you begin to compromise on your boundaries, standards, and what the Bible teaches, there is a good chance that you will compromise on other aspects of the relationship.
I failed to do my due diligence: I ended up in hot water (most of the time) because I simply refused to do my research. You'll be surprised at how much you can learn about someone if you ask the right questions, ask the right people the right questions about who you might be interested in, and listen carefully to their answers. In doing your due diligence, take note of how this person treats others, and particularly those who are not as privileged as they are.
Watch their social media activity; pay attention to what they post, who they follow, and what they like/comment on. This might sound a bit extreme, but some men are thirsty on this Instagram streets, and you don’t want to involve yourself with someone who has his eyes everywhere else. Some people aren't ready for a committed relationship, and some don't even understand what it entails. As such, conducting a research can assist you in eliminating those who are ineligible. You'll see that it's better to keep some of them on a hi-hello basis rather than pursue a full-fledged relationship with them.
I developed a lot of self-image issues: We do a lot of harm to ourselves when we disobey God’s law by having sex outside of marriage. I developed a lot of insecurities and self-image issues because of toxic situations and relationships in the past. I was harming myself by simply engaging in acts that God forbade. Thus, I suffered from low self-esteem. (I talk more on this topic in this article: I once suffered from low self-esteem).
When men communicated to me that I wasn't good enough, that is, when they left me for other women, when they called me fat, when they reprimanded me for not wanting to go to the gym - all these things chipped away at my self-image. I was looking at an old picture of myself yesterday, and thought: “I can’t believe you thought you were fat.” (See picture below). That is what being in unhealthy relationships can do to you. And because I feared being by myself, I stayed in the relationships longer than I should have.
Me in 2013 To touch on the point I mentioned in a previous article, I remember crying the entire night after an ex said something insensitive to me about the way he saw me. I called one of my good friends in America, and she stayed on the phone with me. I expressed my despair to her. She reassured me as she listened to my sobs: you are beautiful, intelligent, wise, and God loves you, and I am not just saying these because you are my friend. Her words attempted to ease my pain at the time, but it wasn't until I began to fight back with God's word that I became confident in who God created me to be.
So, permit me to quote one of my favorite scriptures again: Psalm 139: 13-14 says, “For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” I kept saying these words, reminding myself that it is the God who created me, who gives me value, beauty, and worth. It is his word that takes precedence over every other vile word spoken to me.
The bible has a lot to say about outward appearance. God said to the prophet Samuel in 1 Samuel 16:6-7, not to choose David’s older brother as king, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”
1 Peter 3: 3-4 says, “Do not let your adorning be external – the braiding of hair, and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the clothing you wear – but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God’s sight is very precious.”
I hope I am helping to free some people from this insurmountable pressure that we and others put on ourselves. We should know and believe that God's ways are always antithetical to popular culture. Popular culture has completely engulfed us. Social media has helped to redefine and expand the definition of beauty.
In a conversation with my cousin yesterday, I asked, “all these women that sell clothes and maybe food on social media, are they selling their product or are they selling sex?” I asked because I had seen a young woman, dancing in a sultry manner, while she cooked. I wondered, “who is their target audience?” My cousin said, “a woman’s body is attractive to both men and women. So, if a woman has an attractive body, men will desire her, and women will want to be like her.”
According to this line of thinking, if you do not have an hourglass figure as a woman, or if you do not expose certain intimate parts of your body, then you are not attractive to men. Young women have spent a fortune on risky procedures to improve their bodies - it is not worth it. The truth is found in what God says about us.
“Charm is deceitful, beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.” – Proverbs 31:30 (ESV)
I led with fear: According to the Bible, the spirit that God gives us does not make us fearful or timid. Women are often afraid to speak up in relationships for fear of losing the individual. Fear played a significant role in the majority of my relationships. I was too afraid to speak up, to confront situations, or to let go of situations that were not ideal for me. I brushed a lot of things under the rug. Even when I noticed signs of infidelity and inappropriate behavior, I avoided confronting them. Because I was afraid of losing my partner or being alone.
As it is synonymous with my behavior, I prayed to God on multiple occasions to change them, rather than for him to change me to value myself. Of course, those prayers were ineffective, and the relationships eventually ended, leaving me heartbroken. If you see something inappropriate, it is best to address it. And if it means the end of the relationship, so be it.
I dated in isolation: This one was also significant for me. I kept my sinful behavior hidden from others, especially my Christian community. I didn't want them to find out so they wouldn't suggest for me to end the relationship. Furthermore, the danger of dating in isolation is that if you are so blind to red flags or bad behaviors, others will be unable to spot them for you because they are simply unaware of what is happening. However, if you have trusted people in your corner, they can warn you when you are heading down a bad path or encourage you to stay in a good relationship when you are acting irrationally.
Finally, we have come to the end of today’s article. A bit lengthy, but totally worth it (in my opinion, haha). So, which of these mistakes/lessons resonated with you the most? Kindly respond to this email or leave your comments below. Remember that there is love in sharing, as such, do not hoard this article - share with others. Be sure to enjoy your weekend! And get lots of rest while you are at it!
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