5 Red Flags You Shouldn't Ignore When Dating
Happy Wednesday! I must admit this week has been a struggle for me. Keeping up with content creation, and having to carry out my responsibilities at work has been no easy feat - but we keep moving forward, and by the grace of God we will continue doing the work he has blessed us with. Today’s talk is going to be centered around relationships. Why do you like to talk about relationships? Some of you might ponder. Well, its because I don’t want young women to keep making the same mistakes that I made when I was in my 20s.
In a conversation with someone the other day, she said that she is so glad that she hasn’t experienced heartbreak because she has never been in a relationship. I began by responding with, “you will go through the heartbreak and you will be okay…” before I stopped to think carefully about her statement. Then I said, “it’s better that way, so you don’t keep accruing baggage as you go along the way.” While we may heal and move on from a situation that isn’t good for us, we still carry those wounds and baggage with us to the next relationship. (I talk more on this here: Why I Think My Relationships Ended).
And if I can help save young women from going from one poor (or even toxic) situation to the next, then it will beneficial for them. This is why I keep sharing my stories and lessons along the way, because - nothing dey street. It’s better to be single and be in the will of God, than to entangle yourself in a relationship that doesn’t please Christ - I have been there one too many times.
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When I hear of a relationship breaking up or in turmoil for reasons such as cheating or abuse, I always wonder if the person who was hurt didn't notice any signs of misbehavior before they agreed to date their partner. I believe that the signs are always present from the start. Women, on the other hand, are more likely to ignore them until we self-destruct. Nevertheless, if you pay close attention to what a person says and how they act, you will discover what the person is all about.
I see it all the time, and I've done it myself: a man may express to a woman that he isn't ready for a serious relationship and simply wants to hang out with her. The woman might interpret that information as follows: since he likes me and wants to hang out with me (because there are surely many fishes in the sea who could have the honor of hanging out with him, but he chose me) let's see where this goes. Hopefully, it will lead to a relationship someday. Wrong! If you think like this, you're just setting yourself up for disappointment.
Relationships work with intentionality. They don’t occur by happenstance or by the method of the big-bang-theory. It takes a lot of work and intention to have a thriving relationship. If someone isn’t putting in any effort but claims to like you, that person isn’t serious and you shouldn’t take them seriously as well.
Consider this: if you claim to love your job, but do not put in the work to get the desired outcome of your tasks or targets, it wouldn’t be long before you will be called to the boss’ office to have that difficult conversation. To help weed out the unserious men who waltz into your life, listed below are some of the red flags to look out for during the getting-to-know-you or dating process:
1) He only texts you: One day, I was watching a talk show where a woman asked, "How can I get men to stop texting and start calling me?" The solution was straightforward: stop responding to their texts. Some men will only treat you in the manner in which you allow them to; if you appear to have no standards and if they have no pure intentions towards you, they will not uphold your standards because they are non-existent. They would make little or no effort to communicate with you because they know that whatever little thing they do will catch your attention.
2) He treats others with disrespect: I once dated a young man who was rude to women. On the phone, he raised his voice at them and was harsh with his words. I knew deep down that it wouldn't be long before he started doing that to me and I wasn't wrong. When you meet someone, you should also observe how they treat others. If they are rude to their friends, colleagues, those who serve them (and so on), it is a sign that they don’t value people.
3) He only wants to hang out with you in the house: I can't tell you how many times I've fallen into this trap - where they take you out on one "date" and that's it. After that, he wants you to come over to his house all the time, or he may want to come over to your house at odd hours. If a man exhibits such tendencies, he is most likely looking for sex.
4) He has wandering eyes: If your partner or potential partner lacks self-control, he will struggle to be in a committed relationship with you. I believe the root of such problems is a lack of devotion to Christ. If he looks at women lustfully, it is best to leave him alone - it will save you from unnecessary heartbreak. A man who is interested in you should be able to concentrate solely on you. This type of devotion/discipline begins long before you meet.
5) He isolates you from friends and family: Some women may conflate love with a man's insatiable desire to be alone with them. However, when it comes to relationships, isolation is a dangerous territory that no one should enter. When someone succeeds in isolating you; all manner of atrocities begin to unfold. And because you've pushed everyone else away, you wouldn't want to share your pain with them. Be wary of such characteristics in people. Anyone who wants to be in a healthy, long-term relationship with you will want to become a part of your friends and family.
So, over to you. Have you experienced such red flags? I’d like to hear your stories. Kindly reply this email or leave your comments below. Please, share this piece with others - there is love in sharing (don’t hoard this for yourself alone). Also encourage them to subscribe. And to the men on this newsletter, I am sorry that I am primarily addressing women again today. But feel free to join in on the conversation and proffer more truthful advise for us in the comments below.
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