The Thin Line Between Love and Crase
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Today, our focus is on a rather relatable matter. I must confess that I'm not someone who typically loses their composure when faced with relationship challenges. In fact, I have often played the role of the voice of reason, advising others to remain calm and not let their emotions dictate their actions even when I am the one they want to defend. However, life has a way of surprising us, and I unexpectedly found myself in a situation that tested my own way of handling things. I'll delve further into this story later in the article.
Recently, I watched a movie titled “A Woman Scorned” on YouTube (many of you can already tell I use this platform a lot for entertainment). This early 1990s film was based on a true story that gripped my attention from the start. The storyline revolved around a seemingly ordinary American family, a loving couple with four children, living a life of abundance in a mansion. The husband, a top-tier lawyer specializing in medical malpractice, was raking in substantial wealth for the family. However, the idyllic façade began to crumble when he decided to hire a 19-year-old legal assistant. Little did they know that this decision would set off a chain of events that would change their lives forever.
The new assistant, being half his wife's age, possessed a striking appearance with her tall, blonde beauty reminiscent of a captivating portrait. Her hiring seemed to have a profound effect on her boss. Naturally, other employees couldn't help but envy the special treatment she received. As time passed, however, this enchanting assistant started to get under the skin of Mrs. Top-tier Lawyer.
One day, she walked into her husband's office unannounced, only to be met by his secretary, who gleefully informed her that he and the assistant had left for lunch together. Lunch ke? What is my forty something year old husband doing at lunch with a soon to be twenty-year-old? I pondered on her behalf.
She then decided to sit and wait for them, drifting off into dream world for hours, before being startled awake by the enveloping darkness. She finally returned home and awaited her husband's arrival, his clothes soaked in gasoline, forming a pile outside the house. When he returned, she ignited the clothes in flames, a visceral reaction to his deceitful words. This incident was just one among her many erratic episodes, particularly after he initiated the divorce proceedings.
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It's difficult when someone abandons you or when someone you thought you'd spend the rest of your life with turns around and spits in your face. Most people react to this type of betrayal by acting erratically, demonstrating that there is a thin line between love and crase. Returning to the story I started sharing earlier in this article, I found myself in a committed relationship where I had invested my heart and trust. As time passed, subtle signs of infidelity began to emerge, which was not entirely unfamiliar territory for me, given past experiences.
However, what made this instance different was that this time, I allowed it to eat me up. The reason being that he was the last person I ever expected to betray my trust in such a way. I remember the feelings of hate surged within me, and I found myself entertaining thoughts of inflicting harm upon this person who had shattered my trust.
It's astonishing how swiftly the mind can transition from love to intense anger and resentment. The emotional rollercoaster was perplexing to navigate. I needed to confide in someone about what I was going through. I expressed, “Now, I truly understand those women who seem to lose their minds when such things happen.”
Contemplating the journey of relationships often leaves me pondering how something that starts so beautifully can ultimately lead to such dark places. It's baffling how two individuals, once utterly committed to spending their lives together, could eventually grow to despise one another. It's as though they have forsaken the heartfelt vows they exchanged at the altar, disregarding the promise to stand by each other through thick and thin. Nowadays, it seems "For better or worse" is swiftly discarded, and people readily walk away at the slightest hint of discomfort - “because our mothers suffered in silence,” they claim.
This prevailing sentiment seems to be a reluctance to put in the effort, unwillingness to be emotionally open and vulnerable (I talk more about this here: Why I Think My Relationship Failed), a resistance to making sacrifices, and a lack of genuine devotion. Relationships are meant to be between two individuals who are devoted to each other, yet many act as though their needs are the only ones that matter - it shouldn’t be so.
Confronting betrayal can be an excruciating experience, leaving one shattered and in immense pain. It may feel challenging to regain composure when someone inflicts such unimaginable hurt upon you. However, in these moments of turmoil, it is essential to remember that we have a God who remains by our side. Though we may struggle to comprehend the reasons behind our ordeal, we can take solace in the knowledge that God is all-knowing and has a higher purpose for everything we endure.
Jesus in Matthew 11:28-29 says, “come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.”
Finding comfort through erratic actions or speaking ill of the person who caused the hurt is unlikely to provide the comfort needed; true comfort can only come from Jesus. Losing one's sanity over a betrayal is not a solution, as it is not the end of the world. Often, the reason why we feel deeply wounded is that we have made our partners our entire world, relying on them to be our be all and end all (I speak in much detail about this in an article titled: Codependency is Bad for Your Relationship).
Realizing my codependency only came to light during my last relationship. I had tied my happiness directly to his, and whenever he wasn't in a good mood, it deeply impacted me. Learning from the experiences of a woman scorned, the actress playing her advised that both women and men should cultivate lives separate from their partners. Engaging in enjoyable activities that benefit oneself and others is vital. Serving others and, above all, relying on God instead of solely depending on a partner, particularly in dating relationships, can help prevent losing one's own identity.
When grappling with codependency, one's value and self-worth often become entwined with the opinions of others. If they hold you in high regard, you feel validated and confident. However, if you discover that their perception of you has changed or they no longer find you attractive, it can be devastating, leading to a loss of self-esteem. People will disappoint you; even your children, but you must know who you are to be able to weather the storms when they present themselves.
I've had a number of failed relationships, and each time, these men took a portion of my self-esteem with them. As a result, I was unsure of who I was. It's no surprise that I clung to anyone who came into my life and said they wanted to be with me. While I recognize that my codependent nature contributed to some of the issues that arose in my relationships, introspection in the last one drove me to learn how to love myself, speak up for myself (even outside of my relationship), and appreciate the gifts God had blessed me with.
As a result, when something gut wrenching was said to me in my past relationship, I began confessing Psalm 139:1-18, which describes how God created us on purpose. Verse 14 says, “I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.” (Now you see why I love to quote this scripture; it was an anchor for me.) David seemed to be beating himself on the chest as he said the last verse – God your works are wonderful, I am one of them.
King David, as depicted in the Bible, experienced the struggles of abandonment, betrayal, the repercussions of sin, and the depths of despair. However, he beautifully articulates these emotions in a manner that resonates with and connects to our own human experiences. The Psalms, also reveal the boundless love, comfort, and magnificence of God. It demonstrates that God is both all-encompassing and compassionate enough to reach out to us in our moments of need. Despite his vastness, he can genuinely empathize with our struggles and offer us peace amidst life's chaos.
Confessing Psalm 139 provided me with the much-needed confidence boost, which proved invaluable when facing rejection. Thanks to having sought God's word early on, the impact of the rejection wasn't as devastating as it could have been otherwise.
When dealing with heartbreak, it is crucial to surround yourself with people who care about you - for me, it was family and friends who called to see how I was doing and didn't want me to be alone. I remember being on the phone with my friend for hours in the middle of the night. In between sobs, she kept assuring me of who I was in Christ. Surround yourself with people who can remind you of who God created you to be.
To help the scorned woman move forward, a good friend had to remind her of what she had accomplished in her life. People may not see your worth, and it may be painful, but you must be strong enough to believe that your life has value outside of them. You must search the scriptures to discover what it says about you, and convince yourself that God's word takes precedence over what anyone else believes about you.
It is crucial to remember that you should never let someone steal your sanity. Keep in mind that there is a loving God in heaven who is always ready to offer you the help, love, companionship, and peace you require. Whatever you may need, He is there to provide it. And he will heal your heart (just as he did mine), but it may take some time - give it time.
My job for today is done; and I hope I was able to encourage some people who might be experiencing some heartache. As usual, I’d like to hear from you. Kindly respond to this email, or leave your comments below. If this piece resonated with you, it will also resonate with others. Please do me a favor and share it with them.
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So, last weekend, I shared the link to one of my short stories - Twists and Thorns. If you are yet to begin the series, you are missing out oh. It is a true life story on friendship, love, betrayal, and crase (haha). Click the links below to get started:
PS: if you enjoy the story, please write me back. I’d love to hear from you. Have an amazing weekend.
Good day ma'am, once again this article provided me with wisdom and encouragement.
It was also well articulated
My self-worth can only be found in God and no one else, often times we seek external validation, it's something I am actively trying to unlearn and this article is a reminder.