I Am Afraid of Spending the Rest of My Life Alone
Happy Monday guys! It's the start of a new week, and I'm here to chase away those Monday blues once again. I hope you had a chance to relax and recharge during the weekend. As for me, I spent most of Saturday in bed, partly due to the soothing rain outside. On Friday night, I had a late outing with friends, catching a movie, but I must admit I dozed off for a good portion of it.
How can a movie begin at 8p.m. and not end until 11p.m.? Of course I was bound to fall asleep. My friends are lucky I did not serenade them with my snoring. When the final scene came to a close, and I suddenly awoke, I muttered, “beautiful movie.” The person who sat next to me burst out laughing. Abeg, take your rests when you can - Lagos is not for the faint at heart. (For those who might want to invite me on a movie date, I promise, I am not always like that.) Anyway, enough about my uneventful weekend; let's dive into today's topic - loneliness.
For those familiar with my preferences, it's no secret that I find great enjoyment in watching documentaries. While others may spend their evenings immersed in binge-watching their favorite Netflix series, I often find myself exploring YouTube in search of captivating documentaries to delve into. Recently, I stumbled upon a particularly intriguing one titled "I'm afraid of spending the rest of my life alone," and right from the beginning, it had my undivided attention.
The documentary depicted the lives of individuals from diverse backgrounds, all bound together by a shared experience of loneliness. I found it relatable, especially when hearing people of my age discussing the pain they too were facing due to this prevalent issue.
As a single woman in her mid-thirties, I experience bouts of loneliness when I least expect them. Then I begin to think: "I thought I was over this." However, those feelings appear to remind me that I am still a human being (or maybe I just watched a bunch of romantic movies the day before haha).
Every year, I tell myself: "This will be the year." In my head, I plan my engagement, wedding, and future, and then it's the next year: causing me to land at this conclusion that there is more to life than marriage and babies. With that, I console myself until the next bout of loneliness strikes.
Loneliness is a widespread issue, yet many are silent about it. It carries a sense of shame and pain, making it difficult for individuals to openly express their feelings without fearing judgment. Being vulnerable and sharing such emotions require a level of trust and understanding from others.
As human beings, we are inherently designed by God to be in relationships with one another. This natural inclination is evident in various aspects of life, such as family dynamics, church communities, committed relationships, and workplace connections. When one or more of these essential factors are missing, it is entirely natural for individuals to experience feelings of loneliness.
Loneliness in Relationships
Loneliness while in a romantic relationship (I believe) is the worst form of loneliness. I once went through this in a relationship where the man didn't make time for me and barely spoke to me when we weren't together. While my friends were out and about with their spouses, I was cooped up in my apartment crying over someone who didn't care about me. “I feel alone!” I said to myself one day. It would have been better for me to be single than “having” someone who was emotionally unavailable.
Some people will find themselves in this situation as a result of attempting to alleviate their loneliness. Such individuals latch on to anything that pays them little attention. They settle for crumbs while failing to realize that being in such a situation is far worse than being unattached. It only adds to the agony they were already experiencing.
How can one manage loneliness?
1. Be honest: The first step to problem solving is admitting that there is a problem to begin with. Be honest with yourself, with others, and most importantly, with God. People will only come to your aid if they are aware of a problem. Some people develop chronic depression as a result of overwhelming feelings of loneliness, while others have contemplated suicide. We walk past people every day oblivious to the burdens they bear. If we are open and honest about how we feel and have conversations around it, not only would we find relief for ourselves, others who are dealing with the same issue will be comforted knowing they are not alone.
2. Ask God for help: Jesus said in Matthew 11:28, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”1 Peter 5:7 says “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.” God isn’t rolling his eyes at the fact that you feel lonely, neither does he consider you as weak because of it. Psalm 68:6 says, "God sets the lonely in families…” He knows — he was the one who said it wasn’t good for man to be alone. So, pour out your heart to him; he will lift the burden and open opportunities for you to build healthy relationships with others.
3. Become a part of a church community: I can’t stress this point enough, especially for young adults who suddenly find themselves in a new city for work. What better group of people to spend your life with than others who share your values? God knows we can't handle life on our own, so he assembled us in the body of Christ; first to serve him, and then to serve others. Make it a habit to attend church physically and regularly - that way you can form sustainable relationships with others.
4. Do more of what you enjoy: God has endowed everyone with unique talents, abilities, and skills. When I am lost in my writing, I am able to escape the real world. Writing is therapeutic, exciting, and adventurous for me. Others may enjoy cooking, baking, visiting the poor, or volunteering at a local charitable organization. When you use your gift to help others, you gain a sense of fulfillment that pushes loneliness to the back burner.
Loneliness after a Lifetime of Happiness
In the documentary, it became evident that the loneliness experienced by older individuals was often attributed to the loss of their spouses. The profound impact of losing a life partner was highlighted, with some couples having spent decades together, ranging from 40 to 70 years. Despite the extensive time spent with their loved ones, the void left by their passing remained deeply felt.
As I watched these stories unfold, I couldn't help but think of my own father and how he must have felt after my mother's passing. It stirred thoughts and emotions, making me wonder about the true depth of his feelings and the impact her absence had on his life.
After one parent dies, I believe children develop a kind of selfishness toward the remaining parent. They often become upset when the parent begins dating or contemplating “moving on” with their life. We expect them to be alone, to deal with it, to chest it, and just get on with it. Not considering how they might feel in the absence of a life partner.
I've discovered that the concept of "moving on" is even more complex for those who have lost their partners in countries like Nigeria. Society frowns at widows/widowers who move on “quickly.” They question if they harbored the relationship while their deceased spouse was alive, or the extremists wonder if they had a hand in their partner's death, as if the vows didn‘t read — till death do us part. What if it was simply a case of loneliness? Attempting to fill a void? Or avoiding sexual sin?
When someone makes certain decisions after their spouse dies, rather than arching your brows, have a conversation with them. Listen to their anguish and heartbreak and be understanding. Realize that you can only guess what you would do if you were in their shoes.
I hope you relished this nourishing platter of food for thought I've laid out for you on this Monday morning. Kindly resist the temptation to savor it alone; share it with others instead. As always, I'm eager to hear your thoughts on the topics I write about. Feel free to leave your comments below or respond to this email.
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